Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there!! If you are a mother, it means you are blessed. And hopefully you are blessed with extra thoughtful people like I am!!!
I got to sleep in past 10 am this morning!!!! And was woken up by a lively performance from my family, my husband playing the ukele and my kids singing a mothers day song, that they had obviously practiced all together behind my back :)
My daughter, the oldest, showered me with 4 (4!!!) different mothers day art projects that she had made and managed to not tell me about! That, in and of itself is a surprise! She never manages to keep her excitement from me, so the fact that she has managed to not only make me things but not tell me about them, shows me how much my almost 7 year old is growing. Thoughtfulness is sinking in and she is understanding the power of personalized gifts and emotions. I love her.
And they made me breakfast in bed. Pancake cutouts made by all the kids with a very special honey fruit sauce made by my daughter. That beautiful paper bouquet is from her also :) While it was the not the relaxing breakfast in bed experience one would think of, as the baby was crawling all over me wanting to breast feed and the middle child was eating all my pancakes as quickly as my daughter could manage to pour the fruit mixture on them, it was MY perfect breakfast in bed, with all of them being themselves as the full expression of the art that my husband and I created together.
This day is a bitter sweet one for me. Feeling so incredibly blessed to be a mother myself, to have 3 gorgeous children with an incredibly caring and loving husband who also happens to be a kick ass involved father. At the same time I am filled with sadness that I do not get to celebrate my own mother, who died when I was 7 years old. Wishing she were a phone call away, so I can tell her how much I love her. Wishing she was in hugging distance to comfort me when I am struggling at my own mothering. I have had a tumultuous life starting at a young age. I have experienced more death and sorrow at a young age than most people have in their adult life. I have endured more challenging life situations than one would think capable of. Yet at this point in my life, I am realizing one of the hardest things I have had to do, is be a mother without the guidance of my own mother. From what I remember and what is often said to me, she was a goddess. She had 5 children, me and my 4 brothers, and was an incredibly devoted and loving mother. She sang and danced and cooked and gardened. She was lively and friendly and loved by many. She was charismatic and beautiful. Spiritual and grounded. She was all the things I strive to be as a mother and I wish she were here to give me insight and direction, to allow me to melt in her arms when I am feeling weak, to hug her fiercely with love when I feel powerful. While her energy and spirit are very much present, nothing can replace a mothers physical presence, the look of love in her eyes as she watches her children, the gentle comfort in her touch.
Yet with all this sadness filling my heart, I would not be half the woman I am today if my life had been any different. All the struggles were necessary for me to live such a happy and fulfilled life today. Living in the dichotomy that all this pain was a necessity to be proud of who I am now, that I would not love myself as I do had it not been for all the loss and challenges I experienced. Not wanting to be anyone else than who I am now comes with the acceptance that I needed to loose some important people along the way, shed too many tears and have my heart be torn appart, my spirit crushed. Life is perfect. With all its imperfections and its pain, life is perfect. And I am perfect as I am, living with purpose, with love and intention. Showering my children with everything I wish I was given today by my own mother.
Happy mothers day to all you mothers out there. If you do not have your mother, I hope it gives you insight on what you miss by not having her and how that can empower you in your own mothering.
We are all blessed as we have children of our own.